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When I Saw Your Face

I waited so long to be a mother. I didn’t ever think I would get to hold a child in my arms and love him. But, on June 16, 2008, Gavin James was born. It was the most wonderful, precious time I’ve ever had. In today’s installment, I wanted to include some of the thoughts and feelings I had throughout my pregnancy and the birth of my son.

At the time I found out I was pregnant, I was working in a salon doing nails. We had been trying for a while. My period was three days late. But, I had been here before, so I wasn’t worried about it too much. I mentioned to my friend, Kim, that I was late. She was so excited and urged me to take a test. I told her that I wasn’t going to. It was just three days and I didn’t want to be disappointed again. If you have ever been trying to get pregnant, you know exactly what I mean. But she kept on, so I went to the pharmacy and bought a test.

I came back to the salon and went directly to the bathroom. I don’t even think it took a minute for the test to show positive. I immediately ran out of the bathroom screaming at Kim. She nearly jumped over the reception desk trying to get to me. It was so much fun! I had, at this point, not known such joy! I WAS PREGNANT! I was finally going to have my heart’s desire. At that moment, my heart filled with such love for this child. Dads don’t necessarily feel this love until they see the baby. But, as a mother, the moment you find out, you are in love with your child.

I couldn’t wait to feel him moving inside my belly. I couldn’t wait to hear his heartbeat or see his little face on the ultrasound screen. And, having miscarried before, I was worried that I might lose this one. But God was gracious. He gave me peace.

I was 38 weeks pregnant when I went into labor. Thank God! After 24 hours of labor, two hours of pushing and one big c-section later, I got to see my precious boy I had waited so long for.

My first thought was, “Cry, Gavin, cry!” I wanted him to be healthy and I knew if I could hear him cry, I would be ok. Then, when I saw him I knew I would die for him. I held on to him as tightly as I could. I didn’t want anyone else to hold him. I had waited 10 years to hold him, and, as far as I was concerned, this was my moment with Gavin. Everyone else could wait. I knew that I would never be the same.

Breastfeeding was such a great moment for me. Knowing that I was sustaining my child’s life was an amazing thought. It only endeared me to him even more.

The first time he wrapped his finger around mine, I thought I would melt. When he fell asleep on my chest, I thought I could stay that way forever. Seeing Tim hold him was precious. It was one of the few times I have seen Tim cry. I knew then that the love I felt for Gavin when I found out I was pregnant was the love Tim was feeling for him then. All of sudden Tim got it.
I wonder what your thoughts were when you saw your child or when you found out you were pregnant. Did he take your breath away? Did you cry? How did your husband do? Let me know.